June 9th 2026

several different projects flying around...  noticing a lot of other things flying around too...  not necessarily bad...  perhaps different or misunderstood...  or misplaced...  or varying of lucks...  ok some necessarily bad,  i would like to keep a strong grip on my ideas and say they are more important than most or all of those bad things...  i can accept the fact i can be wrong at times...   i try to stay out of trouble...  to be honest though,  i feel some heat from some of these other things,  you can probably make some educated guesstimations as to which things i might be unable to mention without bringing me into it,  again very unnecessarily....  some people just have bad times and end up in bad moods and take it out on unrelated matters, they vent,  they work, they labor, they do stuff they dont wanna be doing...  people get injured because of stupid stuff,  its not always their fault...  i dont think its always my fault either...  i have to squeeze myself into this context around me very carefully because i am sensing some certain risks by mentioning things that really arent my business...  they probably arent really secrets,  theyre just better left unsaid i think...   meshing between what interests me and what i think might be useful, i have been pursuing a position that still remains on the "good" side of things...  i'll be 42 this year...  my title is barely defined with some very basic matters...  im very incomplete...  im probably very irrelevant to a lot of people...  i am trying to stay as long as i can!  this much being said already i have some lingering sense that ive already taken up too much of someone elses space...  not necessarily bad...  perhaps necessarily bad...  i can only do so much with empty spaces...  cant always claim them,  atleast not with a little help..  even then...  i don't know, i could just be workin myself out of this a bit too much, or overthinking it..  or not...  whatever!  there comes a time when my being just reflects the contexts,  and i end up looking like a bad guy...  i think...  i suspect...  im guessing...  another example...  perhaps i havent the proper credentials to say anything i just said here,  did i guess right?  what if i didnt?  would it matter?   some people jump at opportunities while others just pass them up...  indirectly trying to say i am important, and relevant...  i have gone along with some projects here that some might call art...  or research...  or a portfolio...  some of you more experienced perhaps it opens a window  allowing your promise to prove itself over mine,  better, faster, more relevant...  more expensive...  theres a big logic block on that last one...  expensive...   it would be very expensive for me to lay out all of my acquired infos...  and ill even bet some of you younger than me have a thing or few,  or more content that is more qualified...  possibly...   possibly not....  again, being careful, if i pick a side, theyre going to hold me to it...  maybe i picked the wrong side guys?  data can come in many forms...  i think inevitably it all gets returned in some form or another in time or sooner...  i like to be in control of my things...  i feel slightly manipulated...  this is my venting space...  this is where i do good things for free because i think it will be worth it...  i hope it upgrades my life...  lives?  whatever?  really though, it kind of worked in the past..  i demonstrated some of my acquired skills and it landed me a solid upgrade in equipment,  and routine...  with some good stuff on the sides...  i feel a limit sometimes tho...  like i know, when i start getting annoying...  its frustrating to me too sometimes because i would have to start over if i wanted to explain it to someone else...  not everyone follows along...  millions (prolly more) of users from some of these other companies, or user groups, band together, and fall off path i think...  they then get used to others doing the work and take the job of taking credit for it...  they take it like some kind of service that everyone was entitled to and it might work out for some,  but eventually i think it runs out,  the originals appear from the ashes and take credit for every little thing they discovered just like they were taught to from before...  somewhere along the way, i picked up how to speak english and it became my primary language,   if i know how to speak it, why cant i simply code what i want to say?  or achieve the merit...  or win the thing i really want...  i am growing into a confined space again...  i need an upgrade...  not an upgrade for a little kid...  i need an upgrade for a big kid...  who has big kids...  for myself...  for others...   this system was of high quality for my previous projects, when i was discovering my projects,  when i knew i had a potential something to offer...  now if i create a newer project, i have to eat some of the little projects i had started this high quality discovery with...   like...  this is still a perfectly good system...  i just think its getting time for something to give in, someone out there, is just sitting on perhaps an old system to them but not to me,  and i havent found it yet...  i get spam calls from people across country claiming they can get me the best loan offer for the lowest rate and bla bla...  truth is im still trying to pay off a couple cards ive had since high school...  its not a big debt, but i cant simply take a job, its someone elses job,  someone elses pit...  someone elses workaround,  to me it feels like a trap..  like some system is going to lock me into their system that im "greedily chasing" and eat all my goodies...  so many things...   i need...  im still working for...  even tho i know im not "working"...  especially because im not supposed to work...  that sounds kinda dumb to me too...   so does "well prove them wrong"...  even if i think i could,  i just know there would be a catch,  something else...  so heres' where im at...  still...  --luijee

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